Immortal
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Thoughts on being immortal. R&R.


Disclaimer: Don't own anything...as usual...Songs are "Move Along" by All-American Rejects, "Meant to Live" by Switchfoot, and "extraordinary Girl" by Greenday.

A/N: I read Tuck Everlasting in 4th grade and we talked about it afterwards as a class. We all, being Disney-raised Happily-Ever-After-Ending kids, thought Winnie should wait until she was 17 then drink the potion instead of dumping it on the frog.

I read it a few months ago and thought "Wow. That has REALLY got to suck." I'd read Interview With a Vampire (which, sadly, we are not allowed to post fics for.../sob/...) and thought that it would not be fun after about the first hundred years or so. Plus, seriously. the poor guy's stuck at age 17. He's going to be a hormonal, angsty, mood-swing-y teenager for eternity. We have to go through it for a couple of years. And it's not even like there's anyone he can share this with. Just his family. O.O Rough deal, eh? So, this one's for him.

Dedication: To everyone immortal. My sympathies. Hope this alleviates some of your boredom, and I hope I managed to capture something of the hopelessness and frustration. Thanks much to me muse and also to whoever reads this.

* * *

I used to eat when I was hungry, although some years I just didn't feel like it. I would watch my body waste away and then…it comes back. 

I used to drink when I was thirsty, but some weeks I just didn't feel like it and I would watch my body fade and weaken and then…it doesn't.

I like to play in the woods, even though I'm far too old for that. I like to chop wood. It's one of my only chores, and it calms me.

One time, I cut myself with the axe because it went through the wood too fast and my leg was all bloody and it hurt and I was crying and I couldn't move or walk or stand up and it hurt it hurt it HURT

And then it didn't.

Sometimes I wonder what'll happen if I chop my head off. I've only ever let myself bleed. I'll make the cut and watch as the blood flows and the red ocean gets bigger and bigger and my skin gets paler and paler and the blood reflects this world, only better and then…

My skin has color in it again and the other world is all gone.

I used to sleep when I was tired but there's so much to do, so much to see. So I figure I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Only, I can't die.

_Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking  
When you fall everyone sins  
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking  
With the life held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
These hands are meant to hold  
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
Move along_

_So a day when you've lost yourself completely  
Could be a night when your life ends  
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving  
All the pain held in your  
Hands are shaking cold  
Your hands are mine to hold_

_Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
Move along  
Go on, go on, go on, go on_

_When everything is wrong we move along  
Go on, go on, go on, go on  
When everything is wrong, we move along  
Along, along, along_

_When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through  
When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through_

_When all you got to keep is strong  
Move along, move along like I know you do  
And even when your hope is gone  
Move along, move along just to make it through_

_Move along  
Go on, go on, go on, go on  
Right back what is wrong  
We move along_

_--All-American Rejects_

I'm not alive. This isn't living. It's **existing.** And I hate it.

I drink a lot now. Only water, though. Water is just like me. Always looks fresh. When it doesn't, it's surface stuff, crap that can get filtered out if anyone cared enough to clean it.

Sometimes water gets chemicals in it, bad chemicals, from the stupid things that people do, and you can't see them and you can't filter them out and they poison and blacken but never quite kill you.

Water can be cold and hot and steam and ice and water and smooth and bumpy and rippled and shallow and deep and glassy and shiny and murky and…

Water changes so much, but it's always the same. It's going to be here forever. There will always be water. The same water. It will keep cycling around again and again and again until the beginning of eternity.

I think that maybe there's a number that's so big, it's little. It's like another zero, right between the biggest positive number and the smallest negative number.

I think that maybe the universe isn't the only one out there. I think that maybe the universe is the inside of a ball and you can circle around but you'll never get anywhere because everything's too big, even for me.

I think that maybe sitting here in this concrete nest isn't good for me because I think too much.

I don't really care, though.

I want…

I'm so tired of existing. I want to **live**.

Life is meaningless without death. I want to live. **Really live.**

But if I had it, if I could die, I wouldn't want it.

But I don't, so I do.

_Fumbling his confidence _

_And wondering why the world has passed him by_

_Hoping that he's bid for more than arguments _

_And failed attempts to fly, fly _

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_Somewhere we live inside _

_Somewhere we live inside _

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_Somewhere we live inside _

_Dreaming about Providence_

_And whether mice or men have second tries _

_Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open _

_Maybe we're bent and broken, broken _

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_Somewhere we live inside _

_Somewhere we live inside _

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_Somewhere we live inside _

_We want more than this world's got to offer _

_We want more than this world's got to offer _

_We want more than the wars of our fathers _

_And everything inside screams for second life, yeah_

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_We were meant to live for so much more _

_Have we lost ourselves? _

_We were meant to live _

_We were meant to live_

_--Switchfoot_

Then I met Winnie. She fell in love with me. I don't think I can love. Either I love nothing or love everything. I can't know I don't know but I don't love her because she annoys me. I don't like her very much but its fun to play pretend. Its funny to watch her.

I read this book by this woman called Anne Rice and it has vampires in it and they live forever. I only read one its called Interview With A Vampire and Louis is just like me. Only better.

Because Louis can die.

I think that if I can love then I love Louis.

I definitely don't love that girl Winnie. I think I might hate her. She can die. I hate people who can die.

Everything has a price, every action has a reaction but why should I pay such a price?

What do I have to do to pay my debt?

Winnie thinks it would be nice to be immortal. I can see it in her eyes. I don't know if she's told me or not. I forget what she says as soon as I hear it. I don't really care. But every word she says makes me hate her more.

I think I'll make her immortal.

It won't pay my debt but it might…

I…

I want everyone else to suffer this "gift" they think so much of. They don't know. Winnie is just like them. She refuses to believe it's a curse.

I hate them all so much.

I need to pay my debt and I don't know how and I want them to LIVE.

Killing anything is such irony. I don't eat anymore. Why should I give something the darkness when I'm stuck on the sun? I'm getting burned and with each burn I'm being absorbed in the light, and I want to be blinded and fall into darkness but **it won't let me.**

It really sucks being an eternal hormonal seventeen-year-old.

She has no idea.

_She's an Extraordinary girl_

_In an ordinary world_

_And she cant seem to get away_

_He lacks the courage in his mind_

_Like a child left behind_

_Like a pet left in the rain_

_She's all alone again_

_Wiping the tears from her eyes_

_Some days he feels like dying_

_She gets so sick of crying_

_She sees the mirror of herself_

_And image she wants to sell_

_To anyone willing to buy_

_He steals the image in her kiss_

_From her hearts apocalypse_

_From the one called whatsername_

_She's all alone again_

_Wiping the tears from her eyes_

_Some days he feels like dying_

_She gets so sick of crying_

_She's all alone again_

_Wiping the tears from her eyes_

_Some days he feels like dying_

_Some days he's not worth trying_

_Now that they're both up on it_

_She gets so sick of crying_

_She's an Extraordinary girl_

_an Extraordinary girl_

_an Extraordinary girl_

_an Extraordinary girl_

_--Greenday_

I want them to suffer.

I want them to live forever.

I need to die. I want to be free. Suicide, being Death's lover, embracing humanity, I WANT TO DIE.

I want to live.

And I want _them_ to just…………exist.

* * *

What did you think? Clickety click on the little "GO" button down there and tell me! Flames, syrupy flattery, and actual thoughts are all welcome! (and noooo, I am not a cutter or anything ...I am afairly happy person, no interest in suicide...no more depressive than the average mood swing...it's just a story.) 


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